The true origins of COVID-19

‘Nothing is accidental’ — Nietzsche or Plato, perhaps

The chart below shows the 700% gain of Peloton stock since early March 2020. Like many ‘stay at home’ stocks, PTON has soared as the ‘leave home’ economy has ground to a halt. As we approach year two of pandemic lockdowns, as well as the rollout of widespread inoculation, it’s critical to understand how this all started. While the mainstream media would have you believe the novel coronavirus spread innocently from a Chinese market, it’s obvious that the pandemic was nothing more than a calculated, capitalistic marketing tactic. Here are some leading contenders for the true origin of COVID-19.

Peloton

While not quite as laughable as a $400 juicer, a $2000 stationary bike is still a tough sell to all but the most agoraphobic millionaires. Was a tough sell, that is, until gyms, yoga studios, and spin classes all shut down, leaving an exercise-addicted populace in serious sweat withdrawal. Sure, they could buy actual bikes and pedal outdoors…but beyond one’s walls now lurk deadly viruses. Pass! Suddenly two grand for social yet safe exercise looks like a steal.

Big Bread

Photo by Macau Photo Agency on Unsplash

In pre-pandemic America, who had time to bake? What with concerts, games, parties, and other ‘events’ to go to. But in locked down America…baking becomes big business. It’s no wonder a syndicate of Fleischmann’s Yeast, King Arthur Flour, and other smaller players in the baking biz cooked up a virus in their test kitchens to help their revenues err…rise. Baking is practically chemistry after all. Sour dough indeed!

Big Delivery

Photo by Imants Kaziļuns on Unsplash

Before we had to mask up, wait in lines, and worry about deadly germs, going to the grocery store or picking up takeout was no big deal. Why waste money on delivery when you could buy an extra drink at the bar? But in a world in which venturing out can leave you vulnerable, having someone else take the risk for a few extra bucks doesn’t look so bad. Working in cahoots with takeout container cabal, the Instacartel colluded to create mainstream demand for a service that was previously viewed as a luxury. Viral marketing, you could call it.

Zoom

Photo by Chris Montgomery on Unsplash

The numbers speak for themselves. Zoom stock, which started the year under $100, was over $500 in October and still trades well over $300. Now that WFH is the default (and may remain that way indefinitely for millions of people), Zoom has become nearly as essential to work as wifi. It’s even become a popular app outside of work, used to connect with friends and family or watch streaming events. These days it’s as common a verb as Google or Xerox. Is it just a coincidence the founder and the virus were both born in China?!

Big Golf

Photo by Martin Magnemyr on Unsplash

For the past decade, golf has been a sport in decline. With its superstars fading and edgier sports like skateboarding and climbing soaring in popularity, golf participation had been on a steady downward trend. Golf needed something major to reverse its course…no pun(s) intended. The pandemic proved to be just that thing. A sport that allows for socializing while also allowing for social distancing — basically the ideal activity for a restless populace. They may as well have called it COVID-18…but that would have been too obvious.

Whether it was developed by a Vermont-based baking company, a foundering sport, a shrewd startup, or all of the above, the novel coronavirus (nay, covidspiracy) is the marketing achievement of the century. I can only imagine what next-level ploys AMC, the yoga studio syndicate, and other suffering companies will come up with to lure us back…

Disclaimer because this is what the world has come to: the statements and theories above are pure satire. I am not a conspiracy theorist. Please do not take any of this seriously.

Writer, wanderer, wonderer.

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